I was leaving class tonight and experienced near painful nostalgia and I remember that part of my life was largely consumed by Tumblr. So here I am.

I am back in school after 4 years. a lot has changed.

The last few weeks with Josh have been really great and very happy. This is a big deal considering the last year has been difficult and the last few months were exceptionally painful for me.

I left class and it felt so nice outside. Everything is pitch black now by 645pm so by 905pm when I leave class, its definitely hard to see. But it actually wasn’t. My college has lots of lighting. I’m not sure if it’s new or was always there. This is my first evening class. Anyway, it’s nice. I feel safe.

I walked out of my lecture hall and instinctively looked behind me and to the side in both ways to clear my surroundings. it’s a habit. I’m painfully paranoid. I looked behind me and had to do a double take. To my left was the pretty science building. I took an evolution class in a dome there. It was cool. I also took an oceanography class. Since starting school, I realized this was my first semester back since being without the person I started that experience with. It was weird. And then everything else came along with that realization.

It was the worst time of my life and every class I took on that campus reminds me of it. I remember skipping oceanography in an effort to avoid the person that consumes so much my memories there.

The class I have at night is in the same room we had our anthropology class in. It looks so much smaller now which is weird because I counted and theres like, 100 fucking seats.

I remember leaving in the middle of my math class speechless and in tears finding out where he was when I went to his house for Thanksgiving and he wasn’t there. It was gloomy and had finished raining shortly before my class started. When i left, everything was still wet. I took a bend in the road way too fast and my car spun out in traffic. I’m not religious but I’m still astounded I didn’t get hurt and that everyone was able to come to a safe stop to let my car rest. I remember looking at a tree as I was heading toward the sidewalk and just closing my eyes. I pulled over into a parking lot and cried for about 15 minutes. I cried and I screamed and I wished I had hit the fuckin tree. I didn’t know if I wanted to die on that particular day (there were many days when I wanted to) but I liked the idea of being unconscious for a while.

Im in bed and Josh is with me. I like when it’s silent and he tells me he loves me. I’m relieved things have been so nice. I’m afraid of things being bad again. He twitches a lot in his sleep but he always has to be touching me. I like when he twitches and his fingers bend slightly into my ribs. I like feeling him twitch. I miss his skin when I’m not with him.

School is hard as fuck, by the way.

I remember the pain I felt the first time I had my heart broken and I always swore if I could make it through that, I could make it through anything.

Here I am again.

But this time it’s so different. Pain is not linear.

I wish you would call me or text me.

I want this so badly but I can’t keep giving you chances. I don’t know what to do.

My last post here was about Josh.

So my first post since then will be about Josh also.

I feel like I’ve broken into a million little pieces.